Why lie about one's marital status

If honesty is the best policy, why then do some domestic workers say they are single when they are married? Perhaps some say they are single because they have separated from their husband and others because it is more convenient. In their mind, they are not lying. If, when applying for a passport, the applicant say she is married, she is required to produce her marriage certificate which she can no longer produce because she has lost it. Anyway, it is simpler to say she is single.

The marital status of a domestic worker has nothing to do with her ability. In fact a married woman would probably be better in the beginning than a single woman. A married woman, if she has children, would know more about taking care of children than a single woman who has never cared for children. And if she cooks for her family (as a housewife) she will take less time to learn how to cook Chinese or western food. But if you take a good look at your passport, you will notice that it does not show your marital status. So even if you are using your maiden name, you can still state in your application that you are married. Otherwise, if your employer prefers to employ a single woman, she will be disappointed when you later tell her "Actually I am married" and she may use that as an alibi to dismiss you. In this case honesty would indeed be the best policy. It is foolish to say you are an excellent cook if you are not, for if someone who is particular (some say "fussy") about food employs you, she will be disappointed and you may lose your job.

But this rule does not apply only to those who are coming from the Philippines. It is just as applicable to those who are already in Singapore and applying who wants to transfer to another employer. One of the most important questions a prospective employer would ask is "What is the reason you need a transfer?" Most of the domestic helpers I have interviewed would say something like "My employer does not need me anymore because the children are big already." It may be true, but if the applicant then says, in answer to other questions, that Madam is a teacher (or bank officer, it does not matter) and the children are only 10 and 12 years old, then the prospective employer will not believe it. For it is quite clear that Madam needs someone to be at home even if the children are independent and do not need to be looked after. Will the 12-year child be able to cook? Will the mother not worry about them if there is no adult at home? Employers know that domestic helpers are not perfect and whatever is the reason for the FDW to be dismissed, the prospective employer may not necessarily reject the applicant.

Let's take another example. Mary June (not her real name) had worked for Madam for 3½ years. They were about the same age and they got along so well and Madam was like a sister to Mary June. But one day, a small incident arose. Madam, unhappy over her own personal problems, raised her voice at Mary June over something not at all important. Shocked and hurt, Mary June replied in the same way. One thing led to another and they decided to part company.

When Mary June interviewed prospective employers, she could not tell the truth, for she thought what she did was unforgiveable - shouting back at her boss. So she lied, but her lie did not convince prospective employers. Finally she came to me and I advised her to tell the truth, tell prospective employers just what she told me. After she realised that her lies did not help her to get a job, she decided to try it my way and after two interviews she was hired.

Let me now summarise the interview where she was successful:

I had a very good relationship with my employer and if this incident did not happen, I would soon complete my second contract and extend for two more years. After several years, I have forgotten that she was the boss and I was the employee. For she was like a friend or a sister to me. Sometimes she tell me her own problems and I would listen and she would feel better after she had unloaded her burden. So when she shouted at me, I was shocked and very hurt. I shouted back, forgeting that she was the boss and I the employee, forgeting that I was not her sister or her friend. But Ma'am, if you employ me, I know I will always remember who is the boss."

Her prospective employer admired her for being so brave and honest to tell the truth. She hired Mary June.